Recharged

Ok, I was mentally very tired when I wrote my previous post.

After a 30+ min daimoku, I felt myself recharged already.
And after a 2+ hour band practice, the whole stressed feeling is no longer there.

Not that problems are solved, but that I no longer feel that they are insolvable.

A Well-Deserved Break

I need a break.

From everything.

From everyone.

Including the me that people thought I am.

Quite desperately.

On and off I’ve been having this thought since don’t know when.

But I can’t.

Cos I can’t.

And cos there’ll be even more to handle after a returning from a break. And there be more things-that-I-need-to-handle-which-I-don’t-know-how-to-yet-I’m-expected-to-do-it stuffs.

I need more slack-and-do-nothing-time.
I need more do-what-I-want-to-do-time, not do-what-I-need-to-do-time.
I need more daimoku-time.

I need time to find the ‘me’ in myself.

But, life can’t restart from 0 just like that.

Quarter-life crisis at 28?

Why I Play Computer Games

I’m realize that I’m spending more and more time on games. Games on my iPhone to be exact. No doubt I get tired of the games pretty soon, then I’ll switch to another game.

The question now is: how come I get stuck into them now?

It seems like my “addiction” to games is the same as my addiction to TV dramas. Once it starts, I get drawn into it. At every break (i.e commercial break or the game replenishes something) I’ll tell myself to stop. But when it resumes, I get stuck in it again.

Feels that it’s a waste of time sometimes, but nevertheless the cycle keeps repeating.

My only guessitmation would be me subconsciously using them as a form of escapism. At the moment when I’m all drawn inside it, the reality seems to vanish from my mind. And this could be the reason I return to them everytime.

Facing the reality is so tired at times, but escaping IS NOT THE SOLUTION.

So how leh?

Chant more lo. Up my life condition. Stretch my inner “rubber band”.

Is this one of my resolutions, since it’s the last day of 2011 today?

Perhaps.

Regret

One of my biggest regret: I won’t be able to send my brother off for his studies.

Happy Birthday, Singapore!

After 3 years of blogging on national day, this year, I’m finally not alone watching the NDP.

I have my parents, my brother, and, of course, you.

7711

Actually, my concerns last evening could be solved, just that I had no one to discuss with.

Concert is coming soon, but yet, there are so many activities that clashes with our practice. Plus, with our standard last week, we really are not in shape yet. 6 more weeks of practice, and it’ll be concert. I think I’m stressed.

The ultimate test is on 31 Jul, where YWD Formation Day totally clashes with our 4th last practice towards the concert.

I know that all YWDs by right are to attend the Formation Day meeting. However with the concert so near and our standard still not up to mark, I really have the intention to request all my YWDs to skip the Formation Day meeting. But yet, I know I shouldn’t deprive my YWDs from attending that meeting. And it’s nearly impossible, as it’s compulsory for my Chapter and above YWDs to attend that meeting. Even if I were to miss the Formation Day meeting, my YWDs would have to go too. That would leave only me at practice. What does it say of me then? That I’m not supportive of other activities? NO I’m not!

What should I do?

Cancel our practice and risk the concert?

Or ask the other 3Ds to continue practice? With the YWDs not around, we are only left with less than half the size. And I feel like I’m dumping the band at the critical moment.

Or we move practice to HQ? Or move to Saturday? Room bookings might be a problem.

Or we have another MG performance at HQ on 31 Jul, and the other 3Ds have practice continued at HQ, so that we could all be there on this day? What if Chapter and above YWDs need to be there so early, that they can’t join us for the MG performance? We wouldn’t have enough people if this is the case.

The thing is that, with so many uncertainties, and no one to talk to, regarding this, I really feel stuck in the middle.

And my YWD have to do this to me: told me straight off that it is compulsory for all YWDs to attend the Formation Day meeting. No negotiation.

My Ichinen was not good. “Orh” was what I said and walked off, and “whatever” was the first thing that came to my mind. At that point in time, I just feel like not attending either. Miss the Formation Day, and skip practice altogether.

But I cannot. It’s not right.

This may just be a small matter, and it’s already so difficult for me. I really need to expand my life.

No one to talk to

Really, sometimes I feel that I don’t have anyone whom I could talk to. Especially on my dilemma in balancing my responsibilities. I can’t think of any seniors whom I can seek guidance from, except perhaps my boss. But, she being my boss, I do feel some restrictions. Perhaps it’s just myself.

I’d love to share it with you, but I understand too that there’re things that you could only just be there to listen and be with me. No matter how, I’ll need to solve stuffs by myself.

Birth

At least, I heard my mum speak about my cousins’ 15-month old triplets when I got home. I’ve not had the chance to meet them since their birth, but hearing my mum describe them cheers me up.

They sound so soo cuuteee!!

=)

Death

It’s been quite a long time since I had such close encounter with people nearing death. Long enough for me to forget how it’s like to be taking care of the dying.

The most recent one for me was for my grandfather. That had been 5 to 6 years ago. The bulk of the responsibility fell on my family, especially my mum, and my eldest aunt. My grandfather should be considered as someone who can be taken care of quite easily, as he doesn’t complain or grumble much. It’s only now that I’m fully appreciative of his character.

Am now on my way home from a daimokukai for a WD member’s home. The family is preparing themselves for her husband’s funeral, making arrangements for the placement of the ashes, etc. Saw the kind of helplessness and sadness in their eyes, especially when their loved one could no longer bring out the fighting spirit against the illness. It make me wanna cry for them.

It makes me ponder, how much I could handle, if any of my loved ones were to go through this. It also makes me ponder, how much fighting spirit I could bring out, if this happens to me.

Just by thinking of the posibility of you not being by my side anymore makes me wanna cry. I dunwanna think about it. Not now. I’m not ready.

What about my family? My parents and siblings? NO!!

Ok stop. No more.

走为上计

This seems to be the easiest way, escape. At times, I do wish that I could do this, willfully. But, I can’t.

Actually, it’s more like, “I don’t want to”.

It’s just that when things starts falling on you, it gets so overwhelming that you can’t stand up, let alone push and support it with your bare hands.

天塌下来当被盖？我没那么潇洒。

Actually actually, all I need to do is to settle one by one. Then the load will be lightened one by one. Then then I’ll not feel so overwhelmed.

It’s just that sometimes things get so heavy, that I can’t seem to see ahead anymore. That’s why I felt like just dropping everything and say “我不管了!” But I can’t, and I won’t.

Or is it “I won’t, cos I feel I can’t”?

Whatever it is, I’m just grumbling. And I know I’m creating a bad cause by grumbling. 声口意.

I’m still human afterall, and need support for others too. And we get tired when we don’t feel that we are receiving the support we need.

Although my family can’t help me in lightning my responsibilities, I’m glad that they’re there supporting me morally.

And I’m glad that you’re there for me too.

=)