At least, I heard my mum speak about my cousins’ 15-month old triplets when I got home. I’ve not had the chance to meet them since their birth, but hearing my mum describe them cheers me up.
They sound so soo cuuteee!!
=)
Archive for June, 2011
It’s been quite a long time since I had such close encounter with people nearing death. Long enough for me to forget how it’s like to be taking care of the dying.
The most recent one for me was for my grandfather. That had been 5 to 6 years ago. The bulk of the responsibility fell on my family, especially my mum, and my eldest aunt. My grandfather should be considered as someone who can be taken care of quite easily, as he doesn’t complain or grumble much. It’s only now that I’m fully appreciative of his character.
Am now on my way home from a daimokukai for a WD member’s home. The family is preparing themselves for her husband’s funeral, making arrangements for the placement of the ashes, etc. Saw the kind of helplessness and sadness in their eyes, especially when their loved one could no longer bring out the fighting spirit against the illness. It make me wanna cry for them.
It makes me ponder, how much I could handle, if any of my loved ones were to go through this. It also makes me ponder, how much fighting spirit I could bring out, if this happens to me.
Just by thinking of the posibility of you not being by my side anymore makes me wanna cry. I dunwanna think about it. Not now. I’m not ready.
What about my family? My parents and siblings? NO!!
Ok stop. No more.
This seems to be the easiest way, escape. At times, I do wish that I could do this, willfully. But, I can’t.
Actually, it’s more like, “I don’t want to”.
It’s just that when things starts falling on you, it gets so overwhelming that you can’t stand up, let alone push and support it with your bare hands.
天塌下来当被盖？我没那么潇洒。
Actually actually, all I need to do is to settle one by one. Then the load will be lightened one by one. Then then I’ll not feel so overwhelmed.
It’s just that sometimes things get so heavy, that I can’t seem to see ahead anymore. That’s why I felt like just dropping everything and say “我不管了!” But I can’t, and I won’t.
Or is it “I won’t, cos I feel I can’t”?
Whatever it is, I’m just grumbling. And I know I’m creating a bad cause by grumbling. 声口意.
I’m still human afterall, and need support for others too. And we get tired when we don’t feel that we are receiving the support we need.
Although my family can’t help me in lightning my responsibilities, I’m glad that they’re there supporting me morally.
And I’m glad that you’re there for me too.
=)
No, not the movie. I’m referring to myself.
Never thought that I was this bad. And i mean REAL bad.
Never had I thought myself as a rude person. I thought I was, at least, nice enough. Until someone told me I had been rude.
It was a surprise to me, cos I thought I had always been like this, and talked like this. And I never thought that it’s rude. Or perhaps, this is the real me.
It brought me to another point of reflection again. Just what kind of a person I am? Today, I thought that I had always been someone who is always impatient, and very nervous person. I knew I had been these, and thought I had made a lot of improvement compared to when I was still in school. Perhaps, it’s not enough. I need to do more.
I was observing myself when working today, and these are what I gathered to support the above 2 points:
1. I type very fast, and switch between browsers very fast, and move the mouse very fast. I realize it’s because I’m impatient and want to just want to get over and done with them. Perhaps I should just learn to relax.
2. I procrastinate when in doubt, and gets nervous when I’m tasked to do things that I don’t know. What can I do to become braver?
3. I get nervous when things starts piling up, and I want to clear them as soon as possible. I get uncomfortable when I know things need to be done and can be done yet it’s hanging there and I can’t do anything about it. Cos I’m afraid that I can’t finish them.
4. I get uncomfortable when things are all cleared and no work is coming in. Not because I’m hardworking but because I don’t want to be seen doing nothing.
5. I cut people’s sentences when I thought I know what they are trying to say, instead of allowing them to finish their sentences. Most of the time is because they’ve been talking a lot and kept repeating. So it’s either I cut them, or I let them talk non-stop and make myself very nervous that I can’t finish my work and don’t hurt them by not letting them know. And I know this will hurt myself. But I don’t know how to do the in-between.
6. There should be more. Too much to identify.
To be truthful, I never had such problem when I was in school, and when even I was in SIAEC. might be because:
1. I’m too comfortable here to keep myself in check.
2. The workload, pace and responsibility is totally too different.
3. GHZ is testing me, and making me do my human revolution.
4. I changed.
5. Others
6. All of the above.
Whatever it is, it made me reflect. Thanks to Di.
And I mean it. I’m not being sarcastic.
With my STM, I’m not sure how long I’ll remember my reflections.
As long as possible, I hope.
It’ll soon be 2 months since my last post. Suddenly, my life became so different, that I don’t know what and how to blog. My focus had shifted, so much so that things that mattered don’t matter that much any more, and things that didn’t mattered matters now.
It’s not a secret that I’ve STM. My memories seems to begin only from, erm, last month? Or last week? Anything earlier might be vague, or unless they are of great significance. Thankfully to this blog, and other social mediums, my memories are retained and revisited. (Sort of like ‘retrain’, ‘reemploy’, ‘recycle’, ‘reduce’, ‘reuse’. Haha!)
Yesterday, boss came back, and talked to me at length. Regarding work, work load, work relations, family relations, personal relations, personal growth, faith, commitments, and more. It’s been long time since such dialogue with her. As like always, it’s more like monologue, cos most of the time, she spoke. Not because of anything, but because I’m usually lost for words in such situations.
And I felt, today, a different person from yesterday. Especially at work. How can I maintain this, with her often not around?
A lot of times, I know my faults, but it’s just so difficult to handle and manage. Until someone just tell me straight into my face, in a way acceptable by me. Others know too. And I knew others knew. But I chose to believe others don’t. Cos I hide. Cos I dont speak a word of it. But everything are shown on my face, from my body language, through my attitude.
Reflect, reflect, and reflect. I’ve got lots and lots to do. For myself, for my family. For him, and for his family. For work, and for my colleagues. For band, for my district, and for the members.
